by Diane
Love. Joy. Peace on earth. Goodwill to men. Gloria. Hallelujah, it’s Christmas. If these are not your sentiments this Christmas season, you are not alone. For many, Christmas is a time of stress-filled, pocket-book-emptying, endless shopping that is just exhausting. For some, Christmas is a time of gathering with unpleasant family members just because we have to. Countless Christmas events can add up to one very stressful month in a season that is supposed to be filled with fun and joy. For others, Christmas is a reminder of absent loved ones and other hurts in life.
The Christmas spirit has not come easily for me this year. Last year, Christmas was utterly ruined for several reasons. I was still in the throes of my PPD. The behaviors of some family members were causing me intense panic to the point where I had to take additional medication just to attend a family function. The worst devastation was Ashlyn’s hospitalization the week before Christmas. She was diagnosed as failure to thrive as she was losing weight due to nursing issues. Knowing that my baby almost died because she was slowly starving just rips me in two even now. Thanks to God’s loving hands on her, she recovered well, and we were able to spend Christmas at home. However, the life had been sucked out of us physically and emotionally.
Needless to say, Christmas was an awful time. Even before the hospitalization I was not in the mood for Christmas, and Lee had to coerce me into putting up the tree. Thankfully, my parents provided us a support system, and we got through it. This horrible time came to an end.
This year is going to be different. Because of last year, I was really not in the mood for Christmas. I have been dealing with many emotions of loss since Ashlyn’s birthday November 4 and had not been prepared for Christmas. Then it hit me – I have to intentionally re-build the joy of Christmas because last year was so painful. To me, that means, I have to intentionally do fun things to re-establish the Christmas spirit in my heart. So far, it is working, and I am enjoying the season. Here is what I have done:
1. Had fun putting up the Christmas tree – We had a free Saturday, and I was in the mood to put up the tree, so we did. We did not put up all the ornaments, only the ones we wanted. It was fun to hang all of Ashlyn’s ornaments and enjoy her re-discovering the tree (she liked it last year, even at 1 month old). While we decorated, she played with the decorating items and even crawled inside a large storage tote. It was quite cute, especially when she had trouble getting back out.
2. Hung other minimal decorations – When I was getting the tree out of the attic, I saw the other items and thought, “I am going to go all out this year!” Well, all out turned out to be hanging the countdown calendar, a gingerbread plaque, and several miniature stockings. We did not even put out the Christmas village, which we always do. The joy in my minimalist decorating is that was all I felt like doing. It was very freeing to stop when I did not feel like going on. After all, Christmas decorating is supposed to be fun.
3. Christmas music – I turn on the radio when I feel like it, and we ordered some new Christmas CD’s. In the spirit of enjoying the season, we decided that we need some better CD’s (the Speedway Santa CD has its limits). It was so fun to order good music just because we wanted to.
4. Taking a break from difficult family – We are not going to tomorrow’s Christmas function because I simply cannot handle it. I have experienced enough trauma and hurt and just can’t deal with any more right now.
5. Doing what I want to- This is a bit vague, but it applies to so many things. For example, if I have the money and want to Christmas shop, I make time. If I am shopping and become exhausted, I go home. If I want a McDonald’s cinnamon melt (VERY YUMMY), I get one occasionally. Of course, I still have responsibilities, and I have not abandoned those, but so many things really don’t matter, and I am trying not to do them just because I “should.”
This year Christmas should be good. I am looking forward to giving Ashlyn gifts and spending Christmas morning with her and my husband. She will be very cute. I know this because she always is (I’m a little biased).
I truly hope that you too will have a wonderful Christmas. If it does not turn out that way, know that you are not alone, and please don’t try to force yourself to feel happy if you really are not. Some circumstances just cannot be controlled, so don’t beat yourself up over them or try to ignore any sad feelings you may have. I do hope, though, that even if your Christmas is not all you want it to be, that you will be able to experience even just a small taste of Christmas joy. God bless you this holiday season.
