by Diane
I would like to have another baby. But not yet. My daughter is almost 14 months old, and I just cannot imagine being pregnant right now. I weaned her a month ago so my body could get back to “normal,” whatever that is. I don’t know if I will ever feel normal, but I want to give my body a chance to “be” for a while without being pregnant or nursing before we try to get pregnant again.
I don’t want to be pregnant right now, but I am having a hard time dealing with friends’ second pregnancies. Just when I thought I would be fine because I already have a baby, the “It’s not fair” monster roared its ugly head. I learned of one pregnancy on Christmas Day through the mail and another today on the answering machine. I thought I had set aside my feelings of jealousy about the first news, but it was starting to creep up again today, even before the second message was delivered. After getting the second message, the sadness won. I ask myself, “WHY can’t I just be happy for my friends without my own feelings of sadness?” I feel selfish for feeling this way and don’t like this at all.
My first conclusion is that my “It’s not fair” monster doesn’t really have much to do with my friends having second babies. Instead, it is not fair that my friends are ready for more babies, but I am not. I know my logic is not very “adult-like.” This is the part of me that wonders why the first year of my daughter’s life was SO hard, why I had to suffer so much, why I was crying while my friends were holding everything together perfectly.
I have been telling myself that is ok that I am not ready to have another baby. It is also ok that my friends are ready. We don’t have to be ready at the same time. While I know this fact is ridiculously obvious, I must keep reminding myself of its truth. Life does not happen the way we “order it,” and I certainly don’t want my friends to suffer the way I have.
I am happy for my friends. Really. I think I’m just in a down spot because we just returned home from visiting my parents.
My other conclusion is that I cannot force myself to feel differently than I do. With that said, I try not to wallow in my sorrows, but I can’t repress my feelings. I have tried this many many times and have found that they only come back later. Instead, I am working to express my feelings, to accept them, and to focus on the positive angle (new babies really are a gift to celebrate!). This way I am true to myself yet able to share in the joy of my friends.
I must be patient, knowing that the right time will come for me. One day, the intense emotions surrounding my first year of motherhood will pass, and I will be a stronger person. One day, I will be ready for another little one. For now, I will enjoy the special one-on-one times with the little one I have.
Thank you so very much for expressing your thoughts as you work through the process of healing for today. I remember (so long ago) working through these same things and not coming to any resolution for months. Then I finally realized that I could come to resolution each day for the pain of that day and not feel like a failure the next morning. You make yourself so vulnerable in expressing your thoughts and I believe it beautiful and courageous. Thank you.
Debbie Jo, thank you so much for your encouragement. Getting positive feedback really lifts me up, and I so much appreciate your sharing from your experiences.
Diane, you have just put my thoughts and feelings into perspective and Annelise is two and a half. I feel like I should be ready, but I am not. I want another baby, but not right now. I don’t know when I will be ready for that. The pain is just to raw still. I hope and pray that you will be able to feel ready, and that I will too.
You and I have way too many things in common. It is sad that this has to be one of them.
Lisa
Lisa, thanks for your comment. It’s ok for you not to be ready and for me not to be ready either. There’s no time stamp for being ready, and we need not pressure ourselves. Just enjoy Annelise. She is a very special girl.
Well, I agree that it’s sad this we share this burden, but I am glad that I am not off somewhere like Arkansas suffering while you are here in Michigan. At least we can empathize together.
Remember Clay Aiken!
Oh Diane……Thank you so much for Clay Aiken…..I needed that today. Annelise is having her first go round with a stomach bug ever. I have been having PANIC ATTACKS about it because she threw up in her crib last night and slept right through it.
No problem. I hope things are going better. Call if you need to. I’m here.
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I can really relate. I’m suddenly desperate for another baby and pregnancy, but needing to grieve how hard ppd was (and I also had prenatal depression, so I often feel like I never really got to experience pregnancy–all that anticipation and dreaming). And I need to wean myself off of sleep aids and anti-depressants that aren’t safe for a baby. It seems so daunting! Peace to you on this journey!
I feel the same exact way! I thought I was alone. I went through a terrible time with PPD (maybe even PP psychosis) I think. My little girl just turned one and I am finally getting used to the fact that I actually have a child now. We have a routine each day and I am comfortable with that now. I am also scared to attempt to come off my meds. I don’t want to relapse, but I don’t want to chance birth defects or withdrawals for the next baby either. My husband is pressuring me for another baby. I keep saying no. I’m happy with having one, but everyone around me is having their 2nd or 3rd, but they have never suffered from depression either, and they have plenty of help with their babies…I have no help. What to do? Thanks for listening!
The Muser, grieving PPD is a painful process. I am still working on it. My daughter is now 19 months old. I think it’s important not to put a time limit on the grief process, even though other people try to.
Not sure either, you are definitely not alone. It’s ok to not want another baby. You may change your mind later, or you may not. Don’t pressure yourself to feel differently than you do. I wrote that post 6 months ago, and now I do feel differently. I am glad not to be pregnant but wouldn’t mind. As you get better you may feel differently. It’s important not to pressure yourself.
Let me encourage you both that there are medications that are safe during pregnancy and nursing. I recently received permission to stay on my meds if I get pregnant. Talk to your doctor. It’s ok.
Blessings to you both as you move forward in your journeys.
Diane