So, listening to Simon & Garfunkel’s “I am a Rock, I am an Island” on the way to my doctor’s appointment probably wasn’t the best choice of mood music for me.
As I was driving to my appointment, I was having all kinds of crazy-conflicting thoughts. Such as:
- I will not cry. I will not cry.
- Maybe I should act really forlorn, sit hunched over, spin a tale so awesome and painful that I can get ’sent’ to a mental hospital for rest and therapy. That might be a treat. But expensive–not a good idea.
- Do I just want attention? I don’t think so…but, I’m not sure of myself in many ways lately.
- What if all my tests come back “normal” and no one can find anything ‘wrong’ with me…I can’t sit on this thought too long because I’m starting to feel tight in the shoulders and anxious just thinking about it.
- I hope she doesn’t ask the ‘hard’ questions:
- Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
- Have you ever put your children at risk or harmed them?
- I wonder if this is a spiritual ‘problem’.
- I’m so tired I really just want to curl up on the exam table and sleep while I’m waiting for the doctor to come in–I wonder if they would ‘count that against me’ if I actually did that.
I have the most wonderful doctor. Ironically, my OBGYN’s name is Dr. Ruth. She swept in and asked lots of questions. Took lots of notes, finished a lot of my sentences for me. I didn’t officially cry, but I did tear up once…no twice…during our conversation.
The first was when I told her that my parents, who live in Oklahoma and I only see a few times a year, are the ones who asked me ‘how I was doing’ and told me they could definitely see that some days are good and some days are bad. It chokes me up when I think of my parents knowing how much I struggle, and caring enough to gently but strongly say something and encourage me to seek out care.
My second tear-session happened when my doctor asked how Dan was doing. I said, “uhhhhm, he’s struggling too.” Depression affects an entire family. That’s why I’m chasing after care. Because it’s not fair to the rest of my family for my struggles to become their scars.
Good job Jenna…I am proud of you. I know it is extremely hard to talk to your doctor when life isn’t going great. I still have to call my doctor to get more meds – which I need by next month – and am having the hardest time picking up the phone. Also, I had to laugh at your “fake” names for the babysitters even though you mentioned their real names in a comment
Oh, and I am in on the babysitting co-op!!!
I am so proud of you, and praying praying. And even though I don’t know what to pray, I know that God knows and I trust the Holy Spirit takes my mumbling and turns it into beauty on your behalf.
I’m thinking you possibly might have the same obgyn I had up there. I really liked the one I had and her name was Ruth. Could be!
Thanks Lisa–I love knowing you’re my personal cheerleader. I’m envisioning you doing a “give me a ‘J’!” and the splits right now!
Thanks Amelia. You’re second-hand going through this with your sis-in-law,I think. Thanks for praying. I hardly know what to tell my heavenly Father too…I just trust He understands and is in control and has my best interests at heart through these crazy times.
Jenna-
Thank you for having the courage to speak so openly about your struggles. You are a light to so many people that may have felt to scared to speak up or to those that donn’t want to admit for fear of judgement. I, like Amelia, don’t always know the right words to pray so sometimes I just repeat your name and know that God fills in the blanks for me.
Jenna, dear friend,
Please remember that the care and solace that you seek does exist and the God is guiding you right now in the right direction. Also remember that you have those good days to hold on to and look forward to when the days are bad.
I admire your persistance, and openness to share your struggles with your friends and family.
Also remember that you are certainly, NOT ALONE, I had this same conversation with my doctor this summer when I felt a relapse coming on. Admitting that my daughter was making me have panic attacks was certainly not one of my happiest moments.
I don’t like that it is hard! I don’t like that I have to struggle, and that you have to struggle, and I certainly don’t like how it effects our relationships and our families. But also remember that you, being the smart, funny, loving, and wonderful wife and mother that you are effects them ever so more!
Love you!
Lisa