Peeling back the layers

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. And I struggled through it. As I’m sitting here in the library typing this, I’m trying hard not to cry. It must be almost ‘that time of the month’–where is my calendar? (tangent: I’m starting to chart my moods and cycles–a friend with IF charts her cycles and a fellow PPD mom suggested maybe I try this to see if I noticed any patterns. This is my second month trying to remember to put a little question mark on the day I should start my period, and a little X on the day I actually do. And slashes up for ‘up’ or good days and a slash ‘down’ for bad or down days. Not a great system, but I’ve got to start somewhere.)

Back to the V-day confession.

Dan and I didn’t even agree on a “limit” to spend on each other this year, we are so on the same wavelength when it comes to finances that we didn’t even have to say a word. Thanks a lot Dave Ramsey! (10% sarcastic, 90% truly thankful for practical guidance)

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I did cave in and buy our kids each a book from the library book sale, but that was only after Liam found my “Christmas stash” of cheap/free gifts I amass throughout the year. He asked me if the blue Sea Exploration book was for him as a present for Valentine’s Day. I got put on the spot, and I completely wilted under his sunny enthusiasm. So much for not ‘doing’ Valentine’s Day!

There is this secret obvious part of me that wants to be showered in fresh flower arrangements, surprised with tiny boxes, draped with (real) jewels, bedecked in new clothing, spoiled with satin, dine out at a place where they don’t post prices on the menu, and be just plain spoiled for no good reason except that it’s just another day with a fancy name, as my friend Alicia puts it.

But I know that our choosing to live on a budget right now will allow us to live in a way very few others will able to in the future. Instead of throwing money away nickel and dime, hundred here and thousand there, we are buckling down and taking life seriously.

I was getting bit big-time by the jealous monster knowing others were headed out for “big” Valentine’s Day plans, coming back from tropical locations, receiving surprise gifts, heading out to dinners that cost more than our monthly grocery bill, entertaining friends for a fancy shmancy party, and just plain wallowing in my having to re-enroll yet again what our pastor calls the “school of contentment”. Why? Because I was failing dismally at being confident in my current station in life and feeling like others were flaunting their shiny new toys and extravagant lifestyles in my recycling-grocery-bags-to-get-five-cents-back-so-we-can-live-debt-free, save-for-college-for-our-kids, keep-building-our-retirement-funds, be-generous-when-we-see-a-need and pay-off-our-mortgage-early face. (I just finished reading Virginia Woolf, forgive my exorbitantly long sentences!)

I didn’t give up anything for this season of lent. My life is so erratic I don’t think I can say there is anything I do every single day that I could ‘give up’. But I love the idea of adding in something good. So I’ve added in some intentional ‘good reading’ to my daily schedule.

This gets a little personal, I’m sorry if it’s TMI. Usually, bathroom time for me is as short, un-private, and solely pragmatic as possible. But this month I’ve been ‘allowing’ myself to use the downstairs bathroom where I can get away from the kids, shut the door and be by myself, and even if my ‘business’ only takes a few seconds or minutes, I’m allowing myself the time it takes to sit and read a chapter in a book called 10-Minute Time Outs for Moms.

Dan bought me this book after Liam was born–when I complained that I didn’t have enough time or energy to sit down for Bible study.

I was slightly offended that he thought I needed such a parochial and cliche Biblical resource. I was mad that he spent $10.99 on it. And I was annoyed that the picture of the author on the back cover was wearing a turtleneck under a V-neck sweater and had feathered bangs. So I never cracked the spine.

But I’m in a different place now. I have realized that no matter how “cheesy” the resource may seem on the outside, this fact remains. God’s word never returns void.

It’s funny how the chapter I opened to for the day’s reading was so pertinent to my situation, entitled “Follow the Leader”. It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.

After the vignette about elementary-aged students playing a game of “follow the leader” on the playground–where one leader performed benign actions such as skipping, jumping jacks, somersaults, etc for her friends to mimic and another leader tried to coax kids to engage in mischievous acts such as throwing rocks ‘near’ windows–she gives some grown up advice.

Smart kids choose to follow a wise leader! Let’s hope they remember the lesson as they enter their teen years.

Following the leader isn’t an innocent game when issues such as alcohol, illegal drugs, and premarital sex are involved. Peers, television, movies, radio, magazines–all urge our kids to copycat their values, pursue their path. Only a strong child or teen can say, “I’m not following you.”

Even adults must decide whom they wish to mirror. On one hand society coaxes, “Come my way. Earn more money. Drive a newer car. Buy a nicer house. Look out for number one–grab the leadership reins and follow your own desires.”

On the other hand, the Bible teaches us to follow God’s way. Avoid heartache. Invest in eternal matters. Be content. Practice servant hood.

Our emotions tempt us to do what feels best or what’s most convenient. God’s Word instructs otherwise. Deuteronomy 13:4 offers wise, straightforward counsel; Follow the Lord. Revere Him. Serve Him.

My heart eventually caught up to my head and the day turned around. Instead of fixating on others’ attainments, I was finding myself –and my husband–blessed in the most odd and unexpected ways the entire rest of the day, weekend, and even into the next week. Those blessing words and actions from others reassured us that we are, indeed, doing the right things. That we are indeed ’smart kids’ following the wise Leader. That we are human to struggle with contentment in a possession-rich culture. And to hurt when we see those we care about wandering aimlessly, not sure who the leader is, or too weak to say, “I’m not following you.”