“My husband Frank surprised me with this yesterday, which he wrote from his heart and asked me to share with you. It is about our experience with postpartum depression from his perspective, and what he’d like husbands, fathers and partners to know:
I am writing this because my wife has made it her life’s mission to illuminate the pain, anguish and recovery that surround postpartum mood disorders. I have felt compelled for some time to reach out directly to men because postpartum mood disorders are devastating for the entire family. It requires a family effort to recover, and husbands/fathers are critical to that recovery.
First of all I need to share a little of the story. Katherine and I waited to have children until we were older, feeling we’d be more prepared. While she was pregnant, I sang “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” to our baby and felt that all was right. We had our son Jackson in what ended up being a horrible delivery. Nothing seemed to go right. He was jaundiced, had to stay at the hospital, wouldn’t breastfeed and Katherine was wrecked physically. We were as exhausted as any new parent is, but I expected the joy to set in naturally. When I noticed things like my wife not taking care of herself, obsessively writing everything down, being exhausted all the time and scared to death about everything to do with Jack, I attributed it to being a new mother. When she couldn’t seem to handle the baby, I did what all guys do — I worked to fix the issue mechanically. I took care of all the baths and other childcare when I came home. I came to see her at lunch. I dove into my job.
After days stretched into 8 weeks and beyond, I noticed we were talking and spending more time on how bad she felt. It didn’t go away. She cried frequently and was hypervigilant about Jackson. She would not bathe him. [Katherine's note: That's because I was afraid I'd drown him, not because I'm against bathing!] She and I talked and talked, but I was overwhelmed. I wondered what had happened to the competent woman I married and wanted to have a baby with. Eventually one night I told my wife I could not help her and that she needed to get professional help. She did. She got real help and recovered and is a light to other women, but it was a struggle.
In retrospect it all seems so clear to me that she was suffering postpartum depression, but I didn’t understand it at the time. I would like to give the other fathers and husbands out there the following important advice:
1) Be there for your wife. Many guys dive back into work because having a baby can be scary and really get us out of our comfort zone. But you need to pull your weight and more. Whatever your best is, give it now.
2) If you sense something is wrong, talk about it with her. Shame is a prevalent part of PPD. My wife was ashamed that she wasn’t feeling joyous and happy. You need to talk to her about how she’s feeling and let her know she is safe to share her thoughts with you, whatever they are.
3) Watch what she does, not what she says. OK, so I told you to talk to her, but talking is not enough, because she might not tell you the whole story. Pay attention if after a week or two she doesn’t seem to go back to the things she normally does. My wife is a Southern belle, who takes care to do her makeup and her hair, and it should have set off alarm bells for me when she stayed in her robe for more than a month.
4) If you are worried, take action. God gives us gut instinct for a reason. Trust it. Reach out to a doctor for professional help — not just your friends or mom or sister. Sometimes family members will be so scared that they will tell you not to worry, it’s just baby blues, because they don’t want to see the truth themselves. Talk to a doctor. You will never find a man who has lost a wife or a marriage who will tell you he wish he’d done less — he’ll wish he’d done more.
5) Get in the boat with her. Realize that recovery from PPD is a family project. Go to the therapist if need be. Talk to the doctor. Participate with her. As guys we don’t like talking about our feelings, but it will be the most manly thing you’ll ever do.
I’m thankful that great therapy, medication, love and selfless giving have allowed my wife, once so heartbroken, to fulfill her life’s purpose. I wish I had known the five tips I just shared with you so I could have been more fully there for her. I hope this will help you and your family to suffer as little as possible.
P.S. If you are a woman and are having a hard time talking to your husband about PPD, just print this out and give it to him.”
hi,
i m 27 year old,i gave birth to my 2nd son 25 days ago,delivery was normal and all natural.since i have given birth i don’t feel connected to my husband. i feel like i can’t talk to him and we had lot of arguments after having my 2nd son . i feel like he doesn’t understand my pain.he doesn’t help me enogh because my mom is with us to help us out, but he doen’t realise that she is my mom and he is my husband there is diffrent love between them he needs to ask me about my health or ask me about if i need any help. i don’t feel like hugging him or kissing him , i m really really turned off by him. Is it normal ??? Am i suffering from postpartum depression ???
Hi, Mother of 2,
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time.
You could be suffering from PPD, but I really can’t answer that for you. You are wise to be seeking answers. Keep seeking until you have the help you need.
Two things I would tell you about your question. First, talk to your doctor. If your doctor is not helpful, seek a second opinion. Unfortunately, some doctors are not helpful when it comes to PPD because they don’t know everything they should. There should be resources in your area specific to PPD. To find a support group, you can look in the Postpartum Support International website http://postpartum.net/. Also, this website is great for info on PPD http://postpartum.net/.
Second, I would say that at least some of what you are experiencing is normal, but I can’t say how much. Since it seems that you are having a difficult time, I would really encourage you to talk to your doctor about what you are feeling. Be honest with him/her even if you feel it is hard to be honest with your husband and mother.
I will also tell you that husbands and other support people often have difficulty understanding what we are going through. My husband stood by my side during my PPD, but he did not understand what I needed. I did my best to tell him, but I also had to realize that he thinks differently than I do. It is likely that your husband doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what to do, and really does want to help you. Even though it is simple to us what our husbands should do, it does not appear that simple to them. BUT, they are trying, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Please don’t be hard on yourself for the way you feel. It is NOT your fault, and please know that you are not alone.
I would love to communicate with you through email. My email is lifeafterbaby1@yahoo.com. Please let me know how you are doing. I really do care.
Warmly,
Diane
Hey, THanks for your wise words. I am a father of soon to be 3 boys. My wife suffers from PPD, and the 2nd was worse than the 1st. We struggled with having a 3rd because of the major toll it takes on my beautiful wife, as well as the family.
After my 2nd son the PPD lasted strong for at least 2 years. THere is no way my darling can handle that again. WE are in a different place in our life with faith, and a great support system, but we know the disease and how dangerous it is.
I am looking for tested advise from other husbands that have been in my situation that did things that were a benefit to their wives and might have made the illness less affective or even went away sooner. You know what I am saying when I tell you, I am scared to death of the next 2 years (baby due in a month), for my wife and for my boys.
Please help.
Thanks again for putting together a way for uncommunicating men to learn from each other and make the life of their family better. God Bless
I have a 32 months old son and a 2 week old doughter. The first year after my son was born I had a really hard time adjusting to the new life we had. I never was a bad mother for a day but my relationship with my parents,friends and even with my husband became very difficult. I felt they do not understand me and support me enough. That was especially paiful with my husband. We almost split. Slowly things came back to normal and i consider we have a healthy relationship. Now 3 years later I start to have the same problems with him again- he is hostile, do not help me enough, do not understand what I am going through. His only solution toour problemsistoleavethe house. I have just given him a beautiful baby girl and he says he hates me. It is like the same nightmare is starting again. I wonder is it my fault or his? I do not feel I can go through this onemore time.
I am writing this, because I am at my wits end with my wife and she is at the same with me. 10 months ago, my wife had our 4th child and had post pardome, she was given medication and was much better with our child. She is a good mother, and always has been, however 7 months ago she came to me and stated she was not happy in our marriage. We have been married for over 10yrs and have had issues, but none that are marriage breakers, no drugs, alcohol, abuse or adultery. We have been thru counseling, however, she is so distant from me, she will not even agree to go out for dinner, movie, etc. We have slept in different rooms, since the birth of our child and my family is at risk. I do not know, nor do I understand, why all of a sudden she states she is so unhappy with our marriage. She is reaching out to old friends from college, going out with random folks she does not know, but will not go out with me or talk to me….the only thing I can attribute this to at this point is lingering post-pardom. I have spoken to all her brothers and her father and they are as confused as I. Can post-pardom last this long? How can I try and get her help? Have you ever seen signs like mine where it lingers for 7 months and destroys a marriage? Any advice, help would be appreciated…
Thanks,
Jim
Hello, I’m sorry for the delay in response. I hope that things are going ok since the birth of your third child. Have you talked to your wife’s doctor? If not, that is an important step. The doctor might recommend medication, though many women struggle with taking that step, it is incredibly helpful for taking the edge off and allowing the mom to function better. Medication and appropriate vitamins, such as omega 3 pills are instrumental in recovery. I would also recommend reading “The Postpartum Husband.” It is an excellent book for husbands and is a very easy read. It is in bullet format and has some very good advice. I would also recommend looking for a ppd support group in your area for you wife. I personally attended the group in our area and have found it to be so helpful. My husband attended once also and learned a lot. What I can suggest for you is to be patient with your wife and try to do what you can to help. If you can alleviate some pressure with household chores or other expectations on her, that would help. Also be sure not to pressure her to get better. Encourage her to take care of herself and make sure you take time to listen. Basically, what is boils down to is medication, support, and therapy along with patience and understanding as best as you can. I know this is intensely difficult, but as you know, you are not alone, and she will get better.
Please feel free to email me at lifeafterbaby1@yahoo.com with questions, etc. I hope this helps.
Warmly,
Diane
Hello,
I am so sorry to hear that things are rough for you. The first thing I would tell you is that this isn’t your fault. Adjustment issues are not anyone’s fault, and they certainly don’t indicate being a bad mother. Is it possible that your husband is becoming hostile because he does not know how to deal with your struggles? I know this is not the response you are looking for from him, but I can relate somewhat from experience. My husband tends to get angry and pull back when he does not know how to deal with the situation. It is difficult when this happens because that is the opposite of what we need. Unfortunately, it is common that friends and family do not understand either, leaving you feeling alone in your struggles. I would suggest looking for a support group in your area. You could call your ob/gyn to see if they have a recommendation or you can look up the Postpartum Support International website http://postpartum.net/. On this web site you can look for local groups. I know going to a group of strangers is awkward, but I can tell you from experience that it is so helpful to talk with women who know how you feel. Having that support is crucial for making it through postpartum struggles. I would also suggest talking to your doctor about what you are feeling. If you don’t feel satisfied with the response, seek another opinion. I hope that things will get better soon for you.
Please feel free to email me at lifeafterbaby1@yahoo.com if you need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
Diane
Hi, Jim,
Yes, ppd can definitely last this long. It took me well over a year to get through it. I can also tell you that marital dissatisfaction is definitely a part of ppd. So many women report being angry with their husbands all the time, and I was one of those women. Eventually, as I got better I realized what was happening, and I started taking steps to work through that part. It is entirely possible that this is what is happening with your wife and she has no idea. It is likely that she is thinking she is upset with you because of you. I recall listening to women at my support group talking about being angry with their husbands but never realizing that I was one of them. I was mad at him all the time but had reasons for being angry. Finally, I realized that my perpetual anger was due to my ppd, and I began to sort through it.
The first place to go for help is her doctor, if she will let you. It is possible that her medication needs an adjustment. I would also recommend more counseling, maybe just for her alone. It may be helpful for her to have a place where she can talk about what she is feeling and be totally honest. A local support group for PPD is also instrumental.
You say that you have talked to her brothers and father and they have not understood. It is not likely that they will, because men tend to have trouble understanding what women’s hormones do to us. Is there a female she is close to that you could appropriately talk to? Just be careful with this so it doesn’t cause further stress on your marriage.
If she is unwilling to take any of these steps, the only thing you can do is be patient and keep trying. “The Postpartum Husband” is an excellent book, which may help you. I have friends who were in a similar situation – the wife was out partying and wanted a divorce, etc, but they are now doing very well together. The husband just kept trying despite the intense difficulty. Also, he let the right people in her life know, and they kept pursuing her.
Hang in there; it will get better.
Diane