A Difficult Letter Part 3

Here is the conclusion to my letter. I plan to drop it in the mail very soon. I don’t expect Brenda to respond well to the letter at all. I have been told that it is well written, but Brenda does not think rationally. If she had, I don’t think she would have done what she did. I think she blames me and feels mostly that her  behavior is justified. I completely disagree, and outside of the couple things I apologized for, I can’t imagine what she has to be upset about. Unfortunately, I think she will get mad about the letter and think it is just junk. I am trying to prepare for this response, acknowledging that I can only do my part. I cannot control her response. I do feel good about standing up for myself, though. I will keep you posted on what happens. 

Before I go any farther, I want to tell you that in this letter I am not exaggerating my feelings or experiences in any way. When I refer to intense anxiety, etc., please know that was absolutely my reality, and I am not trying to get you to feel sorry for me. I know you can’t understand completely, and that’s ok. Understanding someone else’s perspective can be difficult.

The next topic I want to address is more difficult, this past Christmas. Due to previous events, the thought of attending a family gathering sent me spiraling into tremendous feelings of anxiety and fear. I was so afraid to face that day that Lee and I decided it would be best for our immediate family if we stayed home. I knew the family would not be pleased, but we had to make this decision for my emotional health. I do not regret this decision as I was just not ready to go. I am sorry that people were hurt and that we missed out. I know you do not agree, and that’s ok. We will not always agree. What is not ok with me is the letter you sent me in response, specifically the nasty ending. It hurts me to know that you would send me a letter with such hurtful words. To me that says you tried to hurt me or knew it would and did not care. I don’t understand this and do not deserve to be treated this way.

I was also upset by your putting Ashlyn’s middle name on her gifts. I appreciate the clothes, and she has worn them, but I don’t understand why you would put her middle name on the packages. I know this was done after we did not come to the gathering, so it seems to me that you did this as a way to hurt me. I understand that you were upset with me, but it bothers me that you brought Ashlyn into it. I would ask that you please leave my daughter out of any disagreements we might have, and I will not involve your children either.

I have gotten to the point in my journey where I would like to move on from this conflict. It has haunted me and caused me more pain than I can express. I want to be free of this hurt, and I’m sure you do too. As I said before, I am still healing from past events and am almost there. With this behind us, I can look forward to family gatherings, and hopefully, our friendship can begin to heal. With that in mind, here are a couple of things I would ask of you:

1) Mutual respect and love – I think we disagree more than we agree, but that’s ok. I believe that any conflict can be worked out with carefully spoken words and a commitment to loving respect. You are always welcome to disagree with me; I would only ask that your expressions of your feelings be respectful, and I will, too, do the same for you. To me that does not mean repressing the things that are hard to say but saying them very carefully.

2) Respect for boundaries and needs – What Lee, Ashlyn, and I need might not always coincide with what the family wishes, but I would like to be respected for my decisions even if you don’t agree. I know myself quite well and can differentiate between a true need and a feeling. I, too, will respect the boundaries you have established and know that you know what you need better than anyone else does.

3) Acknowledgement of my experiences and deep hurts – Ultimately, I would really like an apology, but I can’t expect one. I cannot, nor do I wish to impose certain feelings upon you. All I can ask is that you acknowledge my perspective and my hurt.

Well, there it is. I have poured out myself onto these sheets of paper. Know that I have tried to choose my words carefully because I don’t want to be hurtful, and know that it took me a long time to write this letter. I do not have expectations for your response. Do what you need to process this letter. I know it is heavy, but these things needed to be said in order for us to move forward.

Take care,

Diane