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Archive for November, 2008

by Diane

Hello, Friends,

As I write this post, I am happy to report that I am feeling better. I believe that is due to several factors: lots and lots of prayers that have been said for us, the meals given to us (these have eliminated much stress), rest, God’s grace, and my medication. I think another reason is that I haven’t really dealt with any miscarriage details for several days. Setting it aside really allows me to set aside my grief until I can deal with it again.

I am thankful to be feeling better, but many questions remain for me. I wonder if I am feeling better because I am really better or if the medication has just boosted my system. I don’t think that is true, but I struggle with that thought because I want to get better on my own or least with my support system and relying on my relationship with God. I don’t want my medication to numb me so that I bury my painful feelings and just go on.

I have been struggling the most in my relationship with God. Never have I experienced pain and loss like this. Never before have I lost my joy in this way. Even during my PPD, I was able to feel joy and know with confidence that God had purpose. This time, I know that God is at work, but I struggle to see his purpose, and right now this knowledge is only in my head whereas before it was in both my head and my heart. My heart just feels so empty even though I know in my head that God is near. I am trying to rely on what I know to be true and not on what I feel. My heart feels lost, abandoned, and empty. I know that I cannot stop with what my heart feels, that I must stumble forward and reach up to God, even though I am not sure why this is happening.

These things I know for sure: God IS good, even if I don’t feel good. I am loved. So many people have reached out to help and have shown such care that I must believe God has not left me alone. One day, I will be whole again, even though I am broken right now. I know that God is the Great Healer and that He will not leave me broken. I also know that God’s voice is speaking to me because so many comforting Bible verses and songs have been brought to my mind without my asking or trying to remember them. I know that is God’s whispering words of comfort to my broken heart.

As I write this today, I am crying tears that haven’t come out in a few days, but I am doing better. I am trying to do what I am supposed to, but it is hard to know what that is. I look forward to the day when the hurt is not so strong and the pain is not so raw. This journey is difficult, but I know that day is coming.

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by Diane

Many of you may have wondered why the blog has been so silent. I have been unable to write due to my deep, deep sadness. Here is a letter I wrote on Oct 30 to some friends and family concerning our recent loss:

Dear Friends and Family,
 
I apologize for the group email, but this is the easiest way to give details on what is currently going on.
 
As many of you know, last Friday, we learned that the baby we are expecting has gone to be with the Lord. I went in for a routine ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days pregnant and learned that the baby does not have a heartbeat. The baby passed away on Sat Oct 18, which was when I was 7 weeks 4 days pregnant. I know that many of you did not know we were expecting, and that is because it was so early in the pregnancy that we were waiting to share our news.
 
As of today, my body still has not passed the baby, and I am not yet experiencing symptoms of a miscarriage. The pregnancy hormone in my system has dropped, and my pregnancy symptoms are basically all gone. Now, it is a matter of waiting for my body to let go of the baby. I saw my doctor’s colleague on Monday, and he encouraged me to wait for the miscarriage to take its course, rather than having surgery.  Surgery sounds terrible, but so does passing the baby at home. I need some type of concrete experience to help me say goodbye, but I really dread what is to come.
 
God is sustaining us in both our emotional and physical needs. Last Friday, I cried all day. I just kept hoping that they were wrong and that my baby was ok. Over the weekend, I came to grips, at least somewhat, that the pregnancy is no longer viable. I began to realize that my pregnancy symptoms really were disappearing. Saturday and Sunday, I did not have as many tears to shed but felt more numb. Seeing the dr. on Monday was helpful because I was able to have some questions answered. I cried through my entire appointment but have not had as many tears since. Mostly, I am just exhausted. I think that being in limbo with waiting for the baby to pass has put some of my grief on hold.
Lee is doing ok but is struggling a lot too.
 
We have been blessed by the love given to us from the people around us. I am thankful for the listening ears, the hugs, and how people have been checking in on us. The practical help in doing our dishes and bringing us food has also been incredibly sustaining. These things are God’s love in action and are helping us to keep going.
 
As we wait for the next step in the loss of our baby, I fear what is going to happen next. I am nervous about the physical process and how I will feel about it. I worry about what caused the miscarriage and hope it won’t cause problems in the future. I worry about being forgotten when it’s really hard. Everyone has been amazingly loving, but I feel that the hardest part is yet to come, and I hope that people will continue to remember us in prayer and with practical help. I know that may sound odd to say, but it is a real fear of mine, and most of you know me well enough to know that anxiety is a problem for me.
 
Right now, we are clinging to God’s strength and comfort to get us through. I do not understand why God has allowed us to experience this hurt, and I have told him that. I do know that he has not left us alone in our pain and that he is helping us.
 
We are taking one day at a time and are not making too many commitments. We are trying to keep ourselves busy with enjoyable activities to help us deal with our grief. Please do not be offended if you call and we don’t feel like talking or don’t respond right away to an email. All of these contacts mean so much, but sometimes, I don’t have the capacity to respond. We are going moment by moment, trying to take care of ourselves and our little girl.
 
I thank you much for your love and support.
 
Diane for Lee and Ashlyn too
Since I wrote this letter, the physical process has started and is hopefully almost done. It started on Ashlyn’s birthday, which to be honest, made me angry. I lost the baby 2 days later. My body decided to let go of my little one at 10 weeks pregnant.
My heart is broken, and I wonder why God would allow this. I know God is good and works things for good, but I am trying to understand His plan. I am just so sad, exhausted, and overwhelmed.

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