When panic attacks a close friend

Although I’ve sat through group many a time listening to you describe in detail the happenings of your panic attacks, I’ve never experienced them to the extent that my friend does.

They are so real yet so fake. When your mind is telling you that you can’t breathe or that you are having a heart attack when you really aren’t. When your chest and your left arm hurt–just the way you’ve heard having a heart attack makes you feel.

They are so debilitating. When you know there’s no such thing as an infection in  your leg spreading throughout your entire body that is going to kill you, but you can’t stop thinking that is what is about to happen.

They are so unfair. When you desperately need sleep yet you can’t shut down  your mind or get your breathing or heart to slow down. When they keep you awake all hours of the night robbing you of healing sleep and exacerbating the problem.

They are indecent. When your mind creates phantom pain and irrational explanations for those pains and what they “could” do to you ending in some far-fetched dastardly scenario, reducing you to tears at 2:30 in the morning and asking me if you should go to the emergency room.

They are frustrating. To you because you know it’s ‘not real’, but the symptoms are so convincing and you can’t make them stop. To those of us trying to coach someone through a panic attack. Because we can’t make it stop for you.

I knew (via others sharing their stories) that the ER would be little to no help at all and be very costly. I knew this was something you needed to and could muscle through. I knew you needed to know I was there. You probably didn’t know how hard I was praying, because that was the best thing I knew to do.

Now that you’ve made it through the day, I wonder if tonight it will strike again. If it does, I’m here. I can pray. I can help you breathe through it since that’s what seemed to help last night.

I’ve given you the lists. I’ve encouraged, reminded, advised, and almost nagged you to make sure you get help. This isn’t something that will just go away, we’ve got to fight it.

I’ll step in with you. Let’s find out what it takes to beat this thing. It’s no way to live.

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A general feeling of malaise

I’ve been a little grumpy lately. Not like PMS or one of my former “funks”. Just generally disgusted easily. Ever have that feeling, or is it just me? Here’s a little more insight into my head:

• Can I put a dog in a dumpster? The incessant barking, general growling when the kids come near because he’s nervous, constant needing to go outside, be let in, and hairy-ness of my house is just about to push me over the edge.
• Last night I went downstairs to the ‘playroom’ and took a diaper box and loaded it up with the crappy toys–ie anything from a restaurant, birthday party favor, church, dentist, etc. The things that have no context, have missing pieces, are broken, or just generally give me angst went into the box and out to our trash can.
• Food is annoying me. I don’t feel like shopping, eating, or cooking. The one thing that usually piques my creativity and gives me enjoyment and outlet is becoming a chore for some reason. So, we’ve gone through about 8 boxes of cereal in the past 2 weeks. No lie. I just haven’t felt like meal planning, shopping, or cooking. Now I know what the rest of you feel like on a daily basis.
• I’m so, so tired of my living room. I’m annoyed that my kids can’t kick their colds or get a new one before recovering from the last one because who’s stuck at home with them? ME. I get jealous of my husband when he leaves for work–I wish it were me getting to escape the germs, whiney kids, kiddie shows, kitchen cleanup, laundry, and general mundanity of my day.
• I haven’t had any inkling or inspiration to write lately. That is very frustrating. I’m wondering if I am somehow “empty”? I’m so thankful I’ve had some guest-writers pen some blogs posts (anyone else have anything they’d like to contribute?) because I just haven’t found the words flowing easily as of late.

I’m putting a lot of pressure on the coming of spring to ease these frustrations and this general feeling of malaise. It struck me recently that in the “olden days” families would purposely change their locations during seasons of the year either for medicinal purposes or just general mental health purposes. People with consumption or other diseases were often ordered to go to the seaside. Socialites and wealthy families wintered in warmer, sunnier climates–hence their ability to fraternize and fritter their time away with dances, balls, parties, visiting, etc.

Each morning I wake up hearing birds tweeting and twittering and pray that spring is right around the corner. The winter of my soul has chilled my bones long enough.

note: since writing this, the day has started to look up. I got dressed and put on real shoes–not just slippers. I did a load of laundry. I realized that I’ll be able to listen to the church sermon I missed today later this week via podcast. I made some hummus and cut up some vegetables to eat for lunch–reminded by Brooke that fruits and vegetables are the most alive and vibrant foods we can reach for when we are in need of energy and a mood boost. I have a grocery list started–there are only 3 items on it, but it’s started. It’s 12:14pm and both girls are in their beds for naps and Liam is in the tub getting a bath. Dan will be home from church in an hour or so and I’ll be able to “get out” and grocery shop. Hopefully my mind will catch up with my body and get in gear and continue to get movin’ in the onward and upward direction.

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Pushing the pill

I’m not sure why my posts have been so pill-pushy recently. I think I’ve just been talking to a lot of friends who are suffering who don’t have to. Trying to help them understand that if you are a diabetic and take insulin to keep you healthy, if you have a headache and take an aspirin to help you feel better so that you can get through the day, or if you have heart problems that a pill will alleviate and lengthen your life then why are brain/mental illnesses any different?

I’ve also hugged my friend Diane in the bathroom of Spectrum Healthier Communities as she was reduced to sobs listening to girls talk about how much they are suffering, even entertaining thoughts of suicide, but refusing any medication because they want to keep their bodies pure, not abuse them in any way, only put whole and natural things into them, and terrified of what meds in their breast milk could do to their infants. These kinds of sentiments drive Diane to tears because she unabashedly declares, “if it weren’t for medications, I wouldn’t be here today.” And if it takes a pill to save a life, take the pill. You don’t have to suffer. Your family doesn’t have to suffer. There is no shame in taking medications to help keep you balanced when you aren’t able to do it on your own.

(OK, compelling, heart-wrenching segue over) This article is SO INTERESTING to me right now. My good friend, whom we shall call Lizzie, is trying to figure out what’s going on with her right now. She just went to see her doctor, who didn’t seem to know much if anything about perinatal mood disorders/PPD. She walked away with a prescription and instructions to see the doctor again in about 2 weeks. It is so frustrating for me to hear stories like Lizzie’s. I wonder, “will she never fill her prescription or take any meds because of the cost? lack of knowledge, guidance, education of options, personal attention from her doctor? did the doctor just totally fail her because he did not lend his expertise to educate, care for, and direct his patient AND especially her spouse and family, who values his opinion so highly?”

These are the agonizing situations that drive us PPD-ers to help other people get educated, get connected, get support, get together–because we’ve suffered and seen the other side–that you don’t have to claw your way through each day. There are options, it is manageable. You will get better with professional care, support, and self-care. It’s the people who don’t have the support systems and care in place that end up on the news…not us.

This leads me to this very appropriate article about depression medication used during pregnancy posted on the Society for Women’s Health Research website.

Women and Doctors Have Widely Different Views About Depression Medication Use Around Pregnancy

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Nov. 13, 2007) Only 10 percent of women think it is safe for women to take medication for depression while they are pregnant, compared to 68 percent of doctors, according to a new survey of women and physicians released today by the Society for Women’s Health Research. Even after pregnancy, in the postpartum period, only half of women think it is safe for women to take medication for depression, compared to 97 percent of doctors.

“This survey shows a tremendous disconnect between doctors’ beliefs about managing depression and the perceptions held by women,” said Sherry Marts, Ph.D., vice president of scientific affairs for the Society, a Washington, D.C., based advocacy organization. “The health care community needs to do a better job communicating with women about depression. We need to carefully explain the full range of treatment options for mood disorders and the pros and cons of taking medications during pregnancy and after pregnancy so that women can make better informed choices.”

African American women and women 18-34 in the survey were even more likely than others to say that it is not safe to take depression medications during pregnancy or the postpartum period.

“Many pregnant and postpartum women falsely think that depressive symptoms, and even clinical depression, are part of the normal experiences of being pregnant and delivering a baby,” said Kimberly Yonkers, M.D., an associate professor of psychiatry and obstetrics and gynecology at the Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Conn. “Moreover, they often assume that these symptoms will spontaneously go away when that is not always the case. There are a range of treatments available to women and we need to get the message out and encourage depressed women to access care for their emotional symptoms.”

The survey also revealed that women underestimate, compared to doctors, their risk for depression at specific life stages where they undergo a hormonal transition. The gap is largest for perimenopause and menopause. Only 47.5 percent of women thought perimenopause is a time of heightened risk for depression, compared to 83.2 percent of doctors. Even fewer women, 39.5 percent said menopause presents unique depression risks, while 77.8 percent of doctors noted this time of risk. Women’s recognition of depression risk at puberty and in postpartum was better.

“Women’s bodies undergo changes in hormone levels during key life cycle transitions from puberty to menopause,” said Marts. “Most women navigate these transitions with minimal mood disturbances, but some women experience mood disorders such as depression or bipolar disorder. We need more research to understand the underlying mechanisms in the brain where mood disorders are triggered by hormone changes. Women need to be aware of this issue and talk to their health care providers about their individual risk factors, warning signs and treatment options if needed.”

When asked about the major symptoms of depression, women focused on emotional symptoms and most neglected to mention the physical symptoms that can accompany depression, such as trouble sleeping, fatigue, changes in appetite or pain. Only 38.2 percent of women noted at least one physical symptom that can be a sign of depression, compared to 86.4 percent of doctors.

Regarding risk factors for postpartum depression, less than one percent of women mentioned family history, previous depression problems or genetics as a risk factor, compared to more than half (53.8 percent) of doctors.

The survey of 1,000 U.S. women 18 and older was conducted through a national telephone omnibus survey, Oct. 4-14, 2007, and the results are weighted to be representative of the total population. The survey of doctors took place Oct. 11-17, 2007, via the Internet. Both surveys were conducted by International Communications Research (ICR) of Media, Pa. The margin of error for the full women’s survey is plus or minus 3.1 percent. It is 4.4 percent for the survey of doctors, which included family practitioners, general practitioners and internal medicine specialists. Support for the survey was provided to the Society by Novartis through an educational grant.

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