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Posts Tagged ‘cry’

by Diane

I feel blah, down in the dumps, unmotivated. I knew that Christmas was going to be difficult due to the loss of my baby. What I did not anticipate was the difficulty I am experiencing now, after all the hype has passed. I was so focused on just getting through all the family gatherings, and I set my grief aside, somewhat, to survive.  I survived the holidays, but now I have to survive the aftermath.

I am just tired. Tired of feeling down. Tired of dealing with family. Tired of having to see family members who don’t really know me. Tired of plastering on a smile. Tired of making sure that one family member knows just how much I appreciated their presents. Tired of dealing with the family member who refuses to accept my daughter and won’t put her name on her gifts. Tired of carrying these burdens. Tired of  having such deep sadness below the surface but not being able to get it out.

I KNOW that this difficulty will pass and that God will bring healing. He always does, but this time of sorrow is just so hard. I wish I could just sit down and cry it all out and then move on. It is hard to be patient with the process, but there is hope. I am thankful that I am not alone. All I have to do is cry out, and someone will reach out to me. God is faithful like that to never leave me alone. I know that every tear I shed and even the ones I cannot shed are not in vain.

On the other hand, I do have many small things to smile about every day. My daughter is a true joy. I love how she calls herself Ashie and is proud to say her entire name. I love her “Hip! Hip!  Hurray!” and accompanying gestures when she completes her bathroom duties. Most of all, I love her sweet affection and undying devotion. Her little pats on my back, sweet kisses, and telling me my hair is pretty bring me joy in my darkest of days.

I feel blah, down in the dumps, umotivated, but I will be ok.

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by Diane

I have been in a rut lately, which means I have been struggling with being down, feeling low and unmotivated. I think I know the reasons why and what I have to do to feel better. The problem is being motivated to take the proper steps. I think these are the reasons why I have been feeling so badly:

1. I am in the process of writing a very difficult letter to a family member who has been unbelievably unkind to me for the last year and a half. The purpose of the letter is basically to express my perspective and to stand up for myself. It has taken me a long time to write this letter, and I am so close to being done. I just want to be done with it because it has been hanging over me heavily. I feel like I am covered by a cloud and am just longing for the sun to come out.

2. I have some responsibilities hanging over me that I have struggled to complete. The main one is my schoolwork. School has been out for 2 weeks now, and I still have grading to complete. I am almost there, but I just don’t have the motivation to push through it. I am sure I will feel better when it’s done, but I have to push myself to get there.

3. I feel distant from God. I have not been spending good time with him, so I have not been experiencing the peace that comes from a close connection with God. I did spend some good time with him last night before I went to sleep, so I am trying to get re-connected.

4. I have some strong feelings that need to come out. I struggle to let them out. It is hard for me to let myself cry unless I am in the “right” situation. For instance, yesterday, I felt the urge to cry a couple of times but did not let myself because it wasn’t convenient for the situation. I did, however, cry a little just now and was crying when I started this post. I think writing this has helped me feel better.

5. I struggle to know if this is all “normal” or if I need to have another adjustment to my medication. Honestly, I am having a hard time with that. Tomorrow, I see my psychiatrist, and I fear that he will want to up my dose. I am trying to decide if that is what I need. I don’t want to feel down, but I don’t want to run to medication every time I feel badly.

Well, thanks for “listening.” I am sorry to be so depressing, but I do feel better. I wish there weren’t so many ups and downs to this journey of motherhood and PPD recovery. Thanks for walking the journey with me. It’s good to know that I am not alone.

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