Posts Tagged ‘hard to understand’

by Diane

I’m surrounded. I’m surrrounded by pregnant women, and it hurts. It hurts because I so badly want to be pregnant. It’s hard to understand why it hasn’t happened yet. I know God’s timing is best, but I don’t want to wait anymore. There are parts of me that are glad that I only have to chase one child but other parts that think it isn’t fair.

I feel forgotten. Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad for my friends. I know that pregnancy is exhausting. I know that those who are pregnant are just trying to get by because that’s all they can do. I really do sympathize. But, I am tired. I am tired of dealing with the hurt. I am tired of trying to time it right, taking my temperature, etc. I am tired of thinking about it. I’m tired of hearing about pregnancy sickness. I’m just tired.

I think this is getting harder because of the amount of time that has passed. One year ago on this past Sunday Oct 18, the baby in my womb went to be with the Lord. Oct 24th marks one year to the day that I learned my baby had died. I would have thought I would be pregnant by now. The others I know who have also lost little ones are expecting again. I don’t understand why it takes so long for me.

I don’t want to be that person who gets upset when others become pregnant, but I am there. I want to rejoice for others. Their babies are theirs and have nothing to do with me. Life isn’t about me, and I don’t like these emotions that arise. Alas, they do arise, so I have to deal with them. I have spent time hiding, not wanting to see certain people. I still want to hide, but I have realized that my emotions are too strong to keep to myself. I know that if I express them, they won’t be so crippling. Then I have a better chance of being able to celebrate with my friends. Also, I hope that some will take a moment out of their pregnant experiences to remember me and others who hurt for our losses.

I won’t always feel this way, but today I do. I know that my God is good and that his timing is perfect. I know that I have friends who love me and hurt with me. So for today, I shed my tears and know that I will be taken care of.


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