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Posts Tagged ‘Jenna’

I wrote this at (one of) my other blog(s), quite e-musing. It was therapeutic and painful to write. I felt it all over again tonight after a support group meeting where a friend opened up her heart and bled emotional pain all over the concrete in front of the Spectrum Healthier Communities building.

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To quote Elton John…

It’s sad, its so sad
It’s a sad, sad situation
And it’s getting more and more absurd
It’s sad, so sad
Why can’t we talk it over
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

I’ve just been so sad lately. Beating myself up for failing as a friend, sister, mentor, mom, wife, daughter of God et al. I had a chance. I tried. Well, kinda. When it got hard, I bailed. It’s hard to fight Satan, he’s so strong and knows my weaknesses oh too well.

When I got rejected, I took it personally. I failed to see to the deeper need of the people I was called to serve and succumbed early on in the fight by letting a mere flesh wound signal my retreat. My strong sense of justice called me to fight to help break a sad, sinful cycle of addiction. Unfortunately, the one I was fighting for didn’t want out–it’s easier to stay in the cycle than break free. But I was willing to help walk the wire. My help wasn’t wanted. For that I am sorry. I have failed you and myself, God’s heart and mine hurt for that.

The saddest part, there are children involved. There was a chance for the cycle to be broken while the kids were small enough that they wouldn’t be ravaged by the consequences, the poor examples they have as their gauge of what it looks like to be a man of God, woman of God, husband and wife who have left their parents and are cleaving to each other as God ordained, a healthy marriage worth the work, the muck, facing and weathering the storms. Healthy parental relationships rather than co-dependent ones well into adulthood. A reality based on relativistic ego-centrist interests rather than in …well, reality. Financial nooses being tied rather than blisteringly unraveled by hard work and determination.

I tried writing a letter, but after praying, asking around for some objective advice as to whether or not to actually send it, realized that it won’t be read and understood, but just misconstrued once again.

So, most of us with frustrated hurting hearts who have tried to help, tried to follow the guidelines in Matthew 18 of confrontation, who have tried via Bible studies and accountability groups, painful and often one-sided friendships, asking tough questions, giving and giving some more, attempting to mirror Christ to these people feel that although we ought to be forming an intervention to prevent yet another disaster-in-the-making, but that we have no other recourse except to bring our love and worries before God’s throne.

To beg Him to bolster them up in the course that they have chosen. To shield their children from the storms ahead and their heritage riddled with the “sins of the fathers”. To surround them with people who will be allowed to ask the tough questions and keep pursuing these wounded hearts when the game gets tough, when they start to lose, and when they try to pick up their marbles and leave…again. To break the cycles of addiction, enablement, co-dependency, and selfishness. To open ears and eyes so the misleading babble of the beautiful One can be clearly delineated from the sometimes challenging charges of our Savior. For strength to turn head knowledge into heart knowledge and the courage to really and truly live it out.

May your journey bring you back to the heart of God.

For me, I pray forgiveness. That God will release me from harsh words and thoughts. From failures to say and do what He prompted when He prompted because I was afraid of the repercussions. That I can put the past failures as far away from me as He does. For true forgiveness to continue to happen. That I won’t dwell on the past or revel in guilt. That as friends come in and out of my life, they will leave knowing God more and Jenna less. That I won’t be hesitant to pursue real relationships with them because I have been hurt by others. That I won’t lean on my own understanding, but always lean on God. That I’ll continue to face my sins, shortcomings, and acknowledge them and grow from them–confessing them to God rather than stumbling and tripping all over them while cutting and bruising myself in the process.

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journal2

This is another creative writing exercise I started at Monday night’s LAB meeting. It (like my Master’s degree, sealing the deck, and the lighting in our bedroom) needs finishing.

“I am…” poem
by Jenna

I am Jennifer Anne

Mother of Liam, Ellison, Addison (yes, they hear me roar) and maybe someday one more that started out in another family meant to come join ours?

Who needs…

Who loves reading, cooking, and anything that would “culture” me.

Who sees a way to fix almost anything and agonizes when she can’t, an entire 12 course menu for under $20 each time she reads a grocery ad, and five more questions for every answer you give her.

Who hates injustice, talking politics, and feeling “obligated” to say or do things she wouldn’t otherwise say or do.

Who fears…

Who dreams…

Who is proud of…

Resident of…

Scott.

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Diane led us through some writing exercises on Monday night. I think this was one of my best pieces.

Imagine me wearing all black, a beret tipped sideways, black nail polish, perched on a red-chippy stool and reading dreamily into a microphone at a coffee shop. It’ll ‘sound’ better if you read it that way.

I am a good mother because…
by Jenna

I must be doing something right

People are always telling me I am
Unsolicited. Like a free can of Spam,
but a whole lot easier to swallow.

I must be doing something right

Even when tossed, like a cheap bag of cranberry walnut with iceberg lettuce salad,
I find my kids are surprisingly flexible. Good–at least not very horribly-badly behaved.

I must be doing something right

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by Dan

For the past few days, as my friends will attest, I’ve been obsessing over the new Weepies album, Hideaway. Today, I forgot to take my meds again. I was writing e-mails, getting a to-do list finished before heading out of town for two weeks, my anxiety level was rising, I was snapping at the kids, not being patient at all. I hate myself when I’m like this. I was listening to the Weepies album AGAIN and the first track hit me hard. I needed this song today. It continually amazes me the power of music to sooth and connect us back to the amazing reality that is so ever present and better than what we’re feeling in the moment.

We all have these moments where we’re feeling on our own and want to be anyone other than ourselves, but that beautiful reality is that we walk on together and can’t go back to any time that may have seemed better. We’re in this together as much as it seems like we’re headed in opposite directions sometimes. The beauty is that no matter where we are, we’re behind each other every step of the way with so much love for each other.

The song is “Can’t Go Back Now” Click on the song title to hear a short snippet from Last.fm.

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own But you find you’re all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.

You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step,
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on Cause you can’t go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you’ll see me.

I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can’t go back now

(Jenna’s note–oh, this just hits the nail on the head. I have SO been feeling this way lately. I went online to the library website and ordered this CD so I can listen to it. I hope I find solace in it, not an even heavier albatross to tie around my neck.)

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