Posts Tagged ‘lost my joy’

by Diane

Hello, Friends,

As I write this post, I am happy to report that I am feeling better. I believe that is due to several factors: lots and lots of prayers that have been said for us, the meals given to us (these have eliminated much stress), rest, God’s grace, and my medication. I think another reason is that I haven’t really dealt with any miscarriage details for several days. Setting it aside really allows me to set aside my grief until I can deal with it again.

I am thankful to be feeling better, but many questions remain for me. I wonder if I am feeling better because I am really better or if the medication has just boosted my system. I don’t think that is true, but I struggle with that thought because I want to get better on my own or least with my support system and relying on my relationship with God. I don’t want my medication to numb me so that I bury my painful feelings and just go on.

I have been struggling the most in my relationship with God. Never have I experienced pain and loss like this. Never before have I lost my joy in this way. Even during my PPD, I was able to feel joy and know with confidence that God had purpose. This time, I know that God is at work, but I struggle to see his purpose, and right now this knowledge is only in my head whereas before it was in both my head and my heart. My heart just feels so empty even though I know in my head that God is near. I am trying to rely on what I know to be true and not on what I feel. My heart feels lost, abandoned, and empty. I know that I cannot stop with what my heart feels, that I must stumble forward and reach up to God, even though I am not sure why this is happening.

These things I know for sure: God IS good, even if I don’t feel good. I am loved. So many people have reached out to help and have shown such care that I must believe God has not left me alone. One day, I will be whole again, even though I am broken right now. I know that God is the Great Healer and that He will not leave me broken. I also know that God’s voice is speaking to me because so many comforting Bible verses and songs have been brought to my mind without my asking or trying to remember them. I know that is God’s whispering words of comfort to my broken heart.

As I write this today, I am crying tears that haven’t come out in a few days, but I am doing better. I am trying to do what I am supposed to, but it is hard to know what that is. I look forward to the day when the hurt is not so strong and the pain is not so raw. This journey is difficult, but I know that day is coming.


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