Posts Tagged ‘that parent’

The past month or so I’ve been forgetting to take my meds, which I usually gulp down at noon with lunch. I haven’t not been taking them on purpose, just because either (a) I don’t actually eat lunch–just pick at the leftovers on the kids’ plates or (b) lunchtime is so stinkin’ hectic that it gets lost amidst the “I need more milk”, “I don’t like grapes”, “I wanted my sandwich cut into circles, not triangles!”, “my hands are sticky…waaaaaa”, etc.

Usually around 2-3 pm I feel my shoulders getting tight and hear myself snapping at the kids and realize what the problem is. And past the lips and over the tongue, into the tummy, here they come.

Yesterday, the 2-3 pm realization came and went without my taking my meds and it really showed up at Home Depot.

Even though we tried to separate the kids by taking 2 carts, they still managed to fuss, fight, scream, cry, kick, whine, grab things, climb out, hit, spit, etc.

I draw the line at spitting. When my son mimicked spitting in my daughter’s face, I lost it. I tried to grab his face between my two hands so he could ‘look at me’ while I was talking to him, but while I was growling at him using ‘the voice’ I swore I’d never use in public and heard myself saying things I swore I’d never say to my child in public OR private, I realized my pinkies and ring fingers were wrapped around his neck.

Had there been a security camera in the store, it probably would have appeared that I was trying to choke my child. How horrifying.

Not only that, but I had my face in his face growling at him through clenched teeth about how you NEVER, NEVER, EVER spit in someone’s face. I’ve seen this pose before, on Super Nanny. Where she seriously censures the parent for that kind of behavior to a child. And of course, I, and all of America are appalled and disgusted with the parent who would ever do that sort of thing to a child.

All to say, I’m not “there” yet. I still need the meds to keep me balanced and help me remain myself, not the monster that has crept in unbidden and lies barely below the surface ready to rear her ugly head when the security system’s batteries are low or dead.

This is not something I go around bragging about, just something I share with you in the privacy of the LABlog, my dear friend, who read these confessions because you understand and know the horror these unexpected actions bring you each time they ‘happen’ to you too.


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