by Alicia
I mentioned in Part 2 of my story that during my first few counseling sessions I had come to the conclusion that I was JUST MOM. I will try and explain to you what I meant by this.
In my counseling sessions I would often talk about how busy and overwhelmed I felt. It seemed like there was always so much to do and I could never get caught up. I remember saying, “I just can’t get there.” (Wherever “there” is.) I felt like I was “stuck in a rut” with no change in sight. Life with young kids can be very monotonous and they demand so much time and energy. I get up in the morning, perform the daily tasks, go to bed, and wake up the next day to do it all over again. It rarely happens that I can complete a task from start to finish, uninterrupted! This leads to a feeling of being unproductive.
One day Russell came home and asked me what I did that day, my answer was, “nothing.” I in fact had done many things, but I just didn’t complete anything. Russell disagreed with my answer and said, “you were VERY productive today…you met the kid’s basic needs, right? look, they’re alive.”
So my therapist told me that I was feeling this way because I was being constantly “depleted” and that I had to find ways to “refresh” myself. This meant I needed to do something that would give me energy and revive me to again tackle daily life. My “homework” assignment was to write down what refreshed me. Oh, this will be easy, I thought. 
I wrote down several things (but I cannot remember all of them now because I later threw the paper away in anger). As I looked over this list of things that I thought refreshed me, I realized most of them truly didn’t. I realized that ever since having kids, I rarely did anything just for myself – I was JUST MOM now.
Now don’t get me wrong, I did occasionally get out by myself or with some friends, but the guilt I would feel from leaving my family behind was almost not worth it. In addition, I had the warped belief that my family wouldn’t be able to function without me (which is partly true because Russell often forgets drinks for the kids at meal time). I felt selfish in taking “me” time.
My next homework assignment was to experiment with some possible things that would refresh me. Russell encouraged me to take time for myself. He kept reminding me that I deserved it, our family would benefit from it, and I cannot be balanced if I am always depleted. At my next counseling session, I was complaining how hard it is to carve out time for just me. There is time in the evening after the kids go to bed, however all I want to do is just rest on the couch. Whether that means just sitting, talking with Russell, watching tv, or using the computer – all of which are not necessarily “refreshing”, just relaxing. (Seeking refreshment is still a work in progress as it is so unnatural for me.
I am trying to get some alone time at least once a week – even if this means just wandering around Target or reading in my room while Russell watches the kids. I have also forced myself to be more social. In fact, I have really enjoyed the times that I have gotten out with friends. I am trying to stay more in touch by answering my phone and emailing.)
Because I couldn’t seem to find much me time, my next homework assignment was to make a list of all the things I typically do in a week to keep the household running smoothly. When I looked at my list, I realized that other than “routine self-maintenance” (ie, eating, showering, dressing, sleeping), everything that I filled my week with was for my family – again I was JUST MOM.
The only 3 things that I could actually omit from my list to free up time were naps for me, counseling and dance for the girls. Everything else pretty much had to be done or chaos would ensue. I am a stay at home, “non-working” mom – isn’t this constant juggling of tasks just expected out of me? Trying to manage the lives of 5 people takes up a lot of time. By picking apart my week I noticed the titles/roles that hog up most of my time: housekeeper, day care provider, meal planner and cook, office manager, teacher, taxi driver, events planner (social and medical), and nurse. When I analyzed my time and roles like this, I became less content with my life.
SMACK!!! (this is the sound of my hand slapping my face.) Here I am whining about being JUST MOM when I should be so thankful for what I have. I had prayed for a loving, Christian husband – God gave me Russell. I wanted a daughter – God made my first born a girl. If we were only having 2 kids, I want another daughter – God made my second born a girl. Well, we wanted more kids and I wanted the next one to be a son – God made my third born a boy. Why am I complaining? What more can I ask for? God has given me everything I have ever wanted. I love my kids more than anything and their needs come first. If living out my simple dreams of being a mom means I may be depleted most of the time, then so be it. Being a mom is a challenge and there may not be instant satisfaction in all I do.
Something that has helped is I that I am trying to lower my expectations – for myself and for the kids. That way I do not feel like I or they are continually falling short. I believe the Prozac has allowed me to change my perspective/attitutude to one of enjoyment, rather than one of merely enduring. I also need to be careful with my “hindsight” perspective. What I mean is when I look at my life day-to-day, I do not see much change. This can be discouraging. But if I look back over the past 6 months or year, the changes are much more apparent.
Something interesting happened at church recently. I was near the entrance helping my kids with their coats when in walked this old woman (80ish? – rare for my church). She eyed my kids and walked over to see them. She caressed David’s hands and pulled out his pacifier to see him smile. She hugged Paige and Brooke and kissed them on the head. I have no idea who she was. She then walked away after saying, “I just love little kids, they are so precious.” Did God place this old woman in my path to remind me that even though it can be draining, some day I will miss being JUST MOM? I think so.
life.after.baby 